Post by don on May 17, 2011 11:26:24 GMT -5
Thank you for your validation Jeffrey, I think I had a breakthrough today. Because of sleep problems and myalgia like chonic pain symptoms, I always sleep late and get up late, well I always get up later and later until I'm going to bed at 5-7am in the morning, and getting up at 2-5pm. To break the cycle I will just stay up the next day which is always excruciating to begin with, until about 1-2pm I feel the body beginning to 'wake' up again a little, and I feel as though I am losing body awareness, and often enter some form of altered state. It is a bit strange but that is what happens. When I force myself to stay up like that, I also have a lot of sexual energy through out the day. I guess because the attention of awareness moves from the habit of allowing the body to sleep to the energetic body, and staying awake brings the energetic body into physical awareness.
So to get to the point of this, I went to have massage, really strong, as my body pain always increases as well, and afterwards, I felt the heart open, a real feeling of 'loving-kindness' I guess you could say as the cliche goes. I really felt it, I haven't felt my heart like that maybe since I had a kundalini awakening 14 years ago. Where one feels the heart first, which has a supreme intelligence to it. I watched a mother walking with her little daughter, holding her hand, the child had some minor walk impediment, and looked a bit like a robot hobbling along, with her pony tale bobbing, very cute, and they walked down 3 flights of stairs, at that point I was over whelmed with a sense of loving compassion, I could seeing how beautiful the love between the mother to her daughter as she walked down ever stair in the same methodical rhythm as her daughter, that my eyes filled with tears, and I felt that love and was happy. Other people walked past, but I stood and watched and felt also that this was something missing from my life, that sense of love, genuine love for other people and the world. I'm stuck in my head, and have been for so many years, as I write this, yes I suppose these type of moments have happened before, but it was just very present today.
Perhaps somehow in my development growing up, or in a past life, that connection to the heart got severed. I had an over bearingly loving mother, but also a stupid mother, I wondered coming home if I didn't cut off my heart because I sensed at some stage in early life that this only made problems for my mother, and to protect her, unconsciously, I cut it off in myself, and used my mind to become a thinker, someone who would be admired for skillful thought. But as I get older, my mind has grown tired of pretending to be that, of running up the same wall, I am not an intellectual, I am someone who thinks and feels with their heart, but hides behind the mask of 'intellect'. I know that I try to make people see that image of myself, but its a lie, and I cant go on that way anymore, its sapping all of my energy, and probably causing all this physical pain, pain that I maybe took on from my parents.
Lastly, I saw my foregrounded ever day body mind awareness merge with, or move into the sphere of heart awareness, of love, I literally felt 'wider', more intense and passionate (now I know Tony Robbins secret), it feels omnisciently powerful, as if I could have healed anyone, fixed anything and found the solution to any problem, a supreme intelligence. I also understood Thai people, way back when I traveled there, I understood their fixation with the heart and how the language is suffused with 'heart' words; it all made sense to me, as I looked around me at the stone cold looks on Westerners faces which reflected my own, I saw my closed heart in many of them, I wanted to call out 'smile'!, like the Thai always did to me. We really do look scary!
Then I felt my fear, as something in the body, the fear of being judged, and accused and found guilty of past problems. The fear of being incarcerated beyond my will, put in jail, punished for things in my past that remain connected to the body. It puzzles me why I want to test myself, to see if I really am scared, to dwell on the possibility, and how it affects my spiritual sense. Well it does affect ones move into altered states as it pulls one back to the body, to thought, worry, and fear. I feel a need now to run from where I am, to hide, to escape from 'authority', which is no authority at all, but only an enforcer that must arise from a society which has lost connection to its contemplative roots. Or to put it another way, evil must arise in opposition to the 'good' that 'law' aspires to promote. This makes me recall something from Buddhism that does not create this 'duality', I forget now what it is. Like you must love your enemy as yourself, that what is bad as perceived in the other is simply relative to ones own state of awareness. We must also love them, to help to bring them out of suffering, and into the true light of their radiant being. Something like that?
Well that all came out like a damn breaking...it felt good today, and this would seem to be a state that I want to cultivate and feel everyday, but it is also tainted by my fear and worry of being judged and condemned. I think that feeling of worry may be something unconscious and stuck in the body, for many years now, as I can feel it strike straight into the center of the heart. The worry is something we do to ourselves, perhaps to unconsciously keep ourselves unhappy because that was the way we were taught was right to feel, I don't know, like it is built into our society...how can we fix and heal past wrongs? And stop them from harming ourselves.
Much love, Don
So to get to the point of this, I went to have massage, really strong, as my body pain always increases as well, and afterwards, I felt the heart open, a real feeling of 'loving-kindness' I guess you could say as the cliche goes. I really felt it, I haven't felt my heart like that maybe since I had a kundalini awakening 14 years ago. Where one feels the heart first, which has a supreme intelligence to it. I watched a mother walking with her little daughter, holding her hand, the child had some minor walk impediment, and looked a bit like a robot hobbling along, with her pony tale bobbing, very cute, and they walked down 3 flights of stairs, at that point I was over whelmed with a sense of loving compassion, I could seeing how beautiful the love between the mother to her daughter as she walked down ever stair in the same methodical rhythm as her daughter, that my eyes filled with tears, and I felt that love and was happy. Other people walked past, but I stood and watched and felt also that this was something missing from my life, that sense of love, genuine love for other people and the world. I'm stuck in my head, and have been for so many years, as I write this, yes I suppose these type of moments have happened before, but it was just very present today.
Perhaps somehow in my development growing up, or in a past life, that connection to the heart got severed. I had an over bearingly loving mother, but also a stupid mother, I wondered coming home if I didn't cut off my heart because I sensed at some stage in early life that this only made problems for my mother, and to protect her, unconsciously, I cut it off in myself, and used my mind to become a thinker, someone who would be admired for skillful thought. But as I get older, my mind has grown tired of pretending to be that, of running up the same wall, I am not an intellectual, I am someone who thinks and feels with their heart, but hides behind the mask of 'intellect'. I know that I try to make people see that image of myself, but its a lie, and I cant go on that way anymore, its sapping all of my energy, and probably causing all this physical pain, pain that I maybe took on from my parents.
Lastly, I saw my foregrounded ever day body mind awareness merge with, or move into the sphere of heart awareness, of love, I literally felt 'wider', more intense and passionate (now I know Tony Robbins secret), it feels omnisciently powerful, as if I could have healed anyone, fixed anything and found the solution to any problem, a supreme intelligence. I also understood Thai people, way back when I traveled there, I understood their fixation with the heart and how the language is suffused with 'heart' words; it all made sense to me, as I looked around me at the stone cold looks on Westerners faces which reflected my own, I saw my closed heart in many of them, I wanted to call out 'smile'!, like the Thai always did to me. We really do look scary!
Then I felt my fear, as something in the body, the fear of being judged, and accused and found guilty of past problems. The fear of being incarcerated beyond my will, put in jail, punished for things in my past that remain connected to the body. It puzzles me why I want to test myself, to see if I really am scared, to dwell on the possibility, and how it affects my spiritual sense. Well it does affect ones move into altered states as it pulls one back to the body, to thought, worry, and fear. I feel a need now to run from where I am, to hide, to escape from 'authority', which is no authority at all, but only an enforcer that must arise from a society which has lost connection to its contemplative roots. Or to put it another way, evil must arise in opposition to the 'good' that 'law' aspires to promote. This makes me recall something from Buddhism that does not create this 'duality', I forget now what it is. Like you must love your enemy as yourself, that what is bad as perceived in the other is simply relative to ones own state of awareness. We must also love them, to help to bring them out of suffering, and into the true light of their radiant being. Something like that?
Well that all came out like a damn breaking...it felt good today, and this would seem to be a state that I want to cultivate and feel everyday, but it is also tainted by my fear and worry of being judged and condemned. I think that feeling of worry may be something unconscious and stuck in the body, for many years now, as I can feel it strike straight into the center of the heart. The worry is something we do to ourselves, perhaps to unconsciously keep ourselves unhappy because that was the way we were taught was right to feel, I don't know, like it is built into our society...how can we fix and heal past wrongs? And stop them from harming ourselves.
Much love, Don